Clarity
by smartcookie712
Summary: She was his Clarity, even after she tore up his life and the life of his three children.


Who doesn't love a good crack fic? I have no idea where the inspiration for this came from except I guess his cover. But whatever, it's all good. But have tissues ready.

You have been warned.

James Diamond sat worriedly in the labor waiting room, hunched over in the slippery green chair, Carlos Garcia rubbing comforting circles on his back so much that his back was numb.

"Dude, it'll be okay, she's done this three times already," Carlos said quietly. "Logan and Camille know what they're doing back there, they'll take care of Ari."

Kendall paced around in circles, more worried than the father-to-be-for-the-fourth-time. But there was one difference, one striking, outstanding, problematic difference the three worried about. A passing comment, maybe not even about Arizona, that they all heard after a worried glance from Logan and Camille as they rushed her to the back. "...internal bleeding. Get four cc's of B negative blood, if there is any after that surgery. Have a crash cart on hold." A nurse nodded and dashed away to the blood bank, returning with only one bag and followed by two nurses with a crash cart, who moved a little faster with every beep from the back. So they sat there in angst, pulling out hair and staring at the floor until the blue tiles danced and shimmered and glittered and their eyes watered and teared up from two in the afternoon until now, nearly midnight.

The most worried was Kendall. That was his sister back there, goddamn it! He knew Jo and Carmen would be home, watching his, Carlos', Logan's and James' children together, waiting to report to the collective nine children that they had a new cousin, a new brother or sister. He paced, clutching with tightly fisted hands at the blond peaks on his crown and watching the ever-ticking clock with those bottle green eyes, now bloodshot. His heart stopped when a nurse appeared and offered them refreshments from the cafè again. Continuing pacing, he began to count the tiles that separated him from his sister and neice or nephew.

Carlos sat, his hand growing numb and weary from rubbing a comforting circular hole in James' sweater vest and wondering if he had heard the short second when a flat beep came from the back and if he had imagined the crash cart. He scratched at his hair, wondering if Carmen had taken their kids home or if she and Jo were watching a movie while the kids slept in the various and plentiful guest rooms of Kendall's house. He suppressed a yawn, checking his phone and the time for the seven thousandth time in the last five seconds. He worried for all of them, not just James and Arizona. It was enough that she was Kendall's sister and James' wife, but she was family to Carlos as well. They all were: Jo and Kendall with Danny, Tucker, and Samantha; Logan and Camille with Albert and Ivy; James and Arizona with Ellie, Georgia, and Carter already and Number Four almost here; and his own with Carmen, Alexis and Oliver. The bond they had, brothers of the ice, was so much more; it was in their blood.

And James, James sat there, zoned out and watching the tiled patterns dance before him. He prayed, wishing to whatever deity lie above him that everything was fine and he had subconsciously stretched seconds into minutes and minutes into hours as he waited and waited. Three times he had done this prior, closer to a heart attack every time Nurse Camille came to congratulate him, or Carlos, or Kendall, on the beautiful baby girl or handsome baby boy. And so he sat, picking away at fingernails stubby and stout, recalling the pregnancy different from the rest.

Morning sickness was more frequent, and longer, lasting until Ari was pale and sweaty as a ghost, to the point where he had to shield her from the kids so they wouldn't be frightened. The cravings bounced around. Peanut butter, then fried Oreos, then a pink sirloin with steak potatoes, and finally another peanut butter jar before bed only to repeat the morning sickness and cravings the next day. Towards the due date, she'd be keeled over in pain as the baby kicked the soft spot, recovering only to receive a jam to the kidney twenty minutes later. But even the labor was strange to start. Walking through the mall, James and Ari expressed freedom from the kids, munching on cinnamon and sugar pretzels when Arizona made a mad waddle for the trash can to remove the pretzels from her stomach. "I'm fine, I'm fine," she protested and they headed on to meander around some more before she made another sudden waddle to the ladies room.

"JAMES!" came the urgent squeal of delighted pain. "MY WATER BROKE!"

And so the mall erupted in chaos for the fourth time parents as they rushed to the car. More than twice James had to stop because she was sick, and after getting stuck behind a very long train, Ari topped off the adventure by cursing out the engineer beneath honks of the horn and throwing up once again before passing out.

And so here James sat, now nervously picking at the glaze on the chairs when a wild nurse appeared. But it was not Camille.

"I'm looking for Mr. James Diamond..." she said hesitantly.

The three leapt up, jumping to their feet and eyes wide.

She sighed and put her hands on her hips. "Well, now you're all not Mr. Diamond, are you?"

"N-no, ma'am, I'm James."

She sighed again, a sad sound of stress. "I can see the family resemblance," she winked. "Why don't you all head on back with me?" she asked, a little too quiet and gentle for their liking.

167 steps later - yes, Kendall counted - and they entered the labor room.

But the labor room was no longer just for labor.

Camille sat a little uncomfortably, holding a pale hand and stroking it with her thumb. She wiped at a damp eye before catching sight of the boys and running into a tackle-hug of James. Logan had his hand on her shoulder, brushing at the hair of his brother's wife where she lay. He embraced James and the rest in a hug that tried to say it all. A little moan sounded from the other side of the room where a nurse swaddled a small bundle of joy. Camille and Logan detached from James and moved to cuddle the other boys when the nurse, Nurse Ava, handed him the bundle. Inside was a teeny face, a squishy nose, two hazely eyes twinkling in the fluorescent hospital lights, ten fingers flexing, ten toes wiggling, muscles stretching out of the warm little package - a brilliant baby girl.

James smiled at her, in all of her only-a-couple-of-minutes-old glory. He turned, beaming, to face his wife in the hospital bed when he realized something. Nurses unplugged machines and dragged away the crash cart. The flat lined beeping machine Carlos "imagined" was wheeled away. James handed the baby bundle to Carlos, the predetermined godfather, and strode to his wife's bedside.

Arizona Diamond lay still.

Tears began to flow before he even registered what he saw.

"No."

James reached toward her chest, hands at the ready.

"No."

He place them on her ribs and pressed once, twice.

"No."

His own heartbeat resounded around him as he tried to perform CPR in time with his heart that sped up as milliseconds slipped away.

"No."

"James-" began Logan, wrapping his arms around James' waist to drag him away.

"No."

"No, James, she's gone- You can't-" Kendall joined Logan in dragging James away from Arizona's lifeless body.

"No."

"James- James, listen!" Camille cried through her own stream of tears for her dearest friend and the agony of her husband.

"No!"

"James!"

"NO!"

"JAMES, JAMES SHE'S DEAD!" Carlos screeched.

James collapsed on the ground, howling and clutching at his face "Noooo, no! No, no, no, no! Not my Arizona, no! Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!"

Kendall sunk into a chair and sobbed with him as the child began to wail.

"I never said good bye!"

Nurses tried to support James, tried to help him, tried to get to the baby.

"I never told her how much I loved her!"

A male nurse came in to remove James.

"I never- I never had one last kiss! I never I never I never I never! I never thought she would die..." he whispered as the nurses sedated him.

"I never thought I'd have to let her go..."

"The official cause of death was internal bleeding and other complications from labor and birth."

"What kind of excuse is this?" James wondered through his teary thoughts as people he didn't bother to recognize or acknowledge planned a funeral around him. "What kind of sorry excuse for letting a woman's life slip between your fingers is this?"

Suddenly he snapped.

"Your fault!" he exploded. "Your fault! This is your fault, Mitchell, all you! You're a doctor, you save lives, why not her? Answer me, dammit!"

Logan sat back looking absolutely flabbergasted. Kendall and Carlos sat James down as Logan bolted out onto the patio to sob away the question he'd been asking himself all day.

It was then James noticed Ellie, not yet fourteen, standing in the doorway cradling a half asleep Carter whose nightmares had brought him to something far worse than a silly ghost that looked something like his mother.

The casket was lowered, the earth turned in, just four days later, when Carlos asked the question on everyone's mind after the mother never made a decision before it was her time to go home.

"James, what are you going to name Baby Diamond?" Baby Diamond had been in Carmen's care for most of the week, too painful for James to endure while planning a funeral.

"Well, buddy, her name is Clarity. Clarity Arizona Diamond," James said as he cradled the minute bundle and swore he'd never react irrationally like he had with Logan, he'd never swear with them, he'd always be 200%, he'll always be both mother and father.

He'll never take the place of Arizona, he'll never live up to the amazing woman she was, but he'll sure as hell raise his four beautiful children as she would have herself.

***** eleven years later *****

Clarity sat quietly on the couch, listening to the sound of Fox panting in the heat on the floor beside her.

"Daddy?"

James looked up from his paper. "Yes, sweetheart?"

"If I killed Mommy, why did you keep me?"

James immediately began to tear up. "Honey, oh honey, why would you say that?" he asked, sliding over to her and holding her tight against his chest.

"Don't you miss her? Wouldn't I make it worse?"

"Clarity, would you like to know why I named you Clarity?" he whispered through flowing tears.

She nodded and snuggled against him.

"You see, I could tell Auntie Vi and Uncle Donny wondered the same thing. They never had children, so how would they know? So I said to them, 'You say our love is a tragedy, but she is my remedy. She is her mother alive again. You say I'm insane, but she is my clarity. She is helping me keep on keeping on.'"

Clar was silent as she pondered her other questions. "Do I really look like Mommy?" she tilted her head up at his tear stained face.

James didn't hesitate as a single tear rolled down his face and onto her nose. "From your little blondie hairs on your tippy top of your head to your magenta little toenails, you do. You have the same shade of eyes she did. You most certainly are your mother, from how you treat and help your brother and sisters to the way you do the little things you do. Of course, Goodness, you're my remedy, my baby, my Clarity."


End file.
